A friend of mine sent me this 8 years ago, and I think it still holds.
AQUARIUS You have an inventive mind and are a progressive thinker. You also lie a lot and are inclined to be careless and impractical, making the same mistakes over and over. Everyone thinks you are a f**king jerk.
PISCES You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA. You have some influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. Underneath it all you lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their noses a lot.
ARIES You are the pioneer type and have strong leadership tendencies, but you regard others with contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and don’t take well to advice. You are a prick.
TAURUS You are down to earth and persistent. You are determined and can work like hell. Most people think that you are a pig headed shit. You’re probably a fucking communist.
GEMINI You are quick and intelligent – a thinker. People like you because you are bisexual, You are also a cheap bastard, expecting everything for nothing. Gemini’s are notorious for thriving on incest.
CANCER You are extremely sensitive by nature and very caring. You are a wimp, You are hopeless at making decisions and that is why you will always be on welfare and you will never be worth a shit.
LEO Leo people are born leaders but most people think they are just pushy. Most Leo’s are bullies. They are thick a**holes who break down under honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo People are thieving bastards who kiss mirrors a lot.
VIRGO You are the logical type and detest disorder. This sh*tpicking makes your friends sick. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgo’s make good bus drivers and pimps.
LIBRA Librans are lucky in employment and financial matters. You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male then you are probably queer. Most Libran woman are whores. All Librans die of V.D.
SCORPIO You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will reach the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect Son of a Bitch. Most Scorpio people are murdered.
SAGITTARIUS You are optimistic and enthusiastic with a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. Most Saggitarians are drunks or pot heads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always f*cking things up.
CAPRICORN you are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basic chicken sh*t. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance, you should kill yourself.